Resident Evil: Dysfunctional
by Chocobo Watcher
Summary: A ludicrous retelling of a certain animated adventure. Rated M for language, violence, adult suggestions and Leons obsession with the letter A. CONTAINS SPOILERS. Not to be taken seriously!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I am a Resident Evil fan, trust me. The games and writing more than the movies. However, after watching Resident Evil: Degeneration the following heartless piece of drabble?! **had** to be written. There were just too many moments of hilarity. Not to mention the script and Leon tending to be just a little more than obsessed this time. This is total crackfic and should not be taken seriously by anyone. I don't own the characters, Capcom, or any of the films. Plus I am still miffed a little about Capcom firing George, but after actually getting to see a draft of the script George may have proposed...let's just say that I was also really disappointed by Land of The Dead. Consider this a game fans loving revenge crack tribute to Leon and Claire. ** You have been warned; read at your own risk XD. This contain spoilers (of a sort) for those who haven't seen the film. Again, proceed with caution.**

**Apologies to Arlo Guthrie, Sephiroth, Cypress Hill, Jeanne Cooper, and anyone else I forgot.**

**Chapter One: Outbreak**

The day began well enough. Bright, happy sunshine and a blue sky filled with puffy cumulous clouds. The Atmos jet airliner was packed with happy souls who lived in an america where there were no major flight delays. Or planes sitting for hours on the tarmac while people were forced to buy overpriced undersized cans of soda and indestructible packets of inferior, overly salted snacks. The pilot had excellent credentials and the attendants were all secretly masters of some form of martial artistry. No terrorists could possibly overtake the plane physically. Which is why they were forced to resort to biological warfare.

Little did anyone suspect that the man with the tan in deep steerage seat 12 J was actually infected with the latest version of the "T" virus. Even Betty Cleavage, the buxom flight attendant from Passaic, was oblivious to his deepening shades of skin. Until, of course, it was far too late. "Sir?", she breathlessly inquired, " Are you all right? Can I bring you something? A little hair of the dog perhaps, to help your shade of hangover green?" followed by her winning smile. "Just get me...Frederique Downing...at WillPharma. Here's his card, I seem incapable of dialing my cell phone...at present."

"Screeeeeeeeeeeeech!" howled the tires of the aircraft as it barreled towards the terminal, wheels churning smoke. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed the terrified, unhappy passengers as the plane careened towards the impending wall of paned sheet glass at over 100 miles an hour! "KABOOM!" went the walls of the terminal as the nose of the wildly swaying aircraft plowed through the glass into the airport.

"Shit," Claire Redfield said to nobody in particular "This day really **is** starting to suck!". All she had wanted to do was pay a nice, happy visit to her brother Chris. The two **had** been trying for the last seven years. Between the "incidents", his tours of duty, and the work that her college exams required, the siblings were lucky to get alternate bank holidays free these days. And now a lousy fragging plane had just destroyed over half the terminal!

Worse yet, she had lost track of Rani. She had promised to watch the child while her auntie went to get the limousine. Sherry , Rani. Mary... "If I ever have a child," Claire would think later "I'll name it Beth or Clara or Sawyer Mcbean- **anything** but a name designed to attract monsters. Provided I don't end up as one myself!." "Limousine my ass," Claire thought in the present, "I'll bet auntie knows something. But right now I have other priorities, like saving me, Rani, **and** Senator Windbag over there."

"Uuuuunnnngh....Ooooooonnnngh....ngroooooooh" moaned the zombified passengers as they straggled to their feet. One by one they shuffled forward toward the opening that had been created when the jet was blown in half by the impact. They moved in a surprisingly sane and orderly manner, considering they were now the living dead . Zombies do not retain the cranial capacity required to carry out complex tasks, yet manage to move very swiftly when necessary. George Romero has never attempted to explain why this is so; nor shall I. They had but one objective: braaaains. The airline snacks, had been, alas, an epic fail.

The airport had been fairly hopping with activity just prior to the disaster. Senator Davis, aka "Senator Windbag" as Claire preferred to think of him, had entered the flight lounge just after Frederique had departed. Frederique, who was a researcher for the new Airhead Bubble Research facility in Harvardville that was less than twenty minutes drive from the airport, dressed with panache. Claire also could not help noticing his more than passing resemblance to a certain blonde-haired founder of Umbrella, Inc. But it was impossible; she and the STARS team members had removed **that** lunatic from existence many months ago. It was probably just a coincidence.

"Really, I just do not **understand** American humor!" The handsome briton had stated as the senator made yet another insensitive remark on the oversized television screen. "Apologies," he continued, glancing in Claires direction, "I didn't mean to..." "It's o.k, I can relate," the young woman exhaled in response. "Are you waiting for someone as well?" Frederique asked. "Yes." Claire said. "They seem to have let the lunatics out of the asylum for today." Frederique opined. "No kidding, it's like the wacko circus hit town. Looks like the senator brought a lot more than the research facility to Harvardville this time."

Frederique felt distinctly ill at ease. His connection had not shown up and that meant he needed to get out of the airport so that nobody would suspect...life was tough enough as it was without unwanted exposure for everyone involved. "I weary of waiting. I think I will go and find a taxi. Good day, ladies." And with a slight hand gesture, he was off.

Senator Davis was traveling to Harvardville to attend the National Scientific Research Conference. Already concerned with the refusal of Willpharma to reveal the results of human research testing in India, this gave TerraSave the perfect opportunity to call attention to the issue by demonstrating the right to freedom of speech,including acts of urban zombie guerilla theater. Claire Redfield worked for TerraSave herself, but her reasons for being in the airport were entirely different from that of the demonstrators. She had been working for months on a report for the FDA and the stopover at Harvardville was just a brief one before she would finally get to see her brother again....

"Who the hell let it slip that I was coming here, anyway?!" Senator Davis exclaimed as he hurled himself onto one of the foam covered airport lounge chairs. "Get rid of those damned agitators! I don't need this! And someone go to one of those bars and get me one of those twelve dollar martinis! Double stiff, pronto!" Senator Davis was not a happy man. A timid stewardess attempted to give him some coffee. The senator took a sip, and with a "What tar pit did this shit ooze out of!" flung in her direction she scuttled off elsewhere looking not unlike a whipped dog, the unconsumed beverage still on a plastic tray.

"Sir," an airport security operative said "We can't arrest them because they haven't done anything illegal. Unless they do something like causing major property damage or starting a riot, there is very little we can do." "If I may make a suggestion? " quipped one of the senators many aides. "We could just go out the regular way since the agitators are blockading the other exits. If they aren't paying attention maybe we'll be out before they notice." "Who put this jackass on the payroll?! To hell with that! " Senator Davis snarled. "I'm staying here until those **vermin** are removed and we can proceed to the conference in peace, so hop to it!"

A few minutes later the senator was seen skulking through the terminal wearing a baseball cap that looked ridiculous with his expensive suit. It became blatantly obvious the ruse wasn't working when Rani pointed at him and stated loudly to Claire "Look, Claire, it's him! The bad guy!". At that point, a reporter had seemed to crawl out of the woodwork and began to bombard him with questions. Everyone was brought up short by an activist in a plaid shirt and zombie mask, who carried a placard that read "Save The Humans!".

"Excuse me, but this is too much!" Claire exclaimed as she confronted the young man and yanked the mask from his head. The young man paused in bewilderment for a few seconds and then scuttled off in the opposite direction, as if he knew something bad was about to happen. A fact that was lost on everyone. Sadly, he ran into the security officer who was in the previous conversation and was immediately arrested. Handcuffed! And he said "Officer, I don't really think I make a good zombie with these cuffs on." "Shut up, kid!" the officer replied.

Now friends, Claire was just about to get herself arrested as well when something happened to change all that. You remember that passenger from seat 12 J? Well, he wasn't the zombie that staggered up to the senator and wound up biting the security guard. That zombie was still on the plane, and bit Betty Cleavage, who in turn became a zombie and attacked members of the flight crew. Which caused further violence and bloodshed resulting in the plane crash described a while back. You know, blood gore and guts and veins in their teeth! Kill, kill, KILL!

Anyhow, this red vested zombie managed to bite the security officer, who in turn bit a member of the secret service, who in turn proceeded to attack the offensive news reporter. He managed to sever her jugular and ruin her suit, not to mention end the news broadcast. By now people were running berserk in all directions screaming their heads off. The air traffic controller tower then received a mayday distress call from the dying pilot of the aircraft mentioned back in paragraph 1 at precisely that moment. Which doesn't explain how the zombie in the red vest got there. What the hell, that's alternate america for you. But it does mean that the airport loudspeakers began to broadcast a non-specific airport evacuation announcement.

At this point, the zombies who had regained their footing began staggering out of what was left of the plane and into what was left of the terminal. " Please help meeeeee!" Senator Davis cried as he attempted to rise from the floor. He was clutching Claire's hand, but she barely noticed. She was frantically trying to catch sight of Rani, but her view was obscured by smoke!

"No way," Claire sighed "This shit can't be happening **again**,can it?!". She glanced through the smoke at the groaning, flopping, living dead who would soon be chowing down on anything breathing in the airport, including her......


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Enter Leon**

As of nightfall, the Harvardville airport resembled a full blown military operation prepared for a siege.

Angela Miller, commander of the SRT unit, sat inside one of the khaki tents positioned outside the airport. She was arguing frantically with her CO about his refusal to help after hearing a 911 call that had been received not less than an hour before. It came from a young woman inside a lounge in the terminal, who insisted that Senator Davis was trapped there as well. For some reason, he refused to give the rescue order. The situation was bordering on the idiotic.

"What's the status report?" she demanded of Greg the grunt who had entered the tent. "Well, the airport is mostly blockaded now." said Greg, stating the obvious. "But we got the infected perps and locked 'em up in a task force vehicle, no sweat. Even so, I wouldn't want to get infected by one of those things. Being bitten? Yurgh! It's like something out of a survival horror movie, or something!"

"Yeah, but it's not like Willpharma has a connection to this like in Resident Evil where a pharmaceutical company is responsible for starting some creep ass zombie infested plague. Nope, can't see any connection there at all. Nope. It has to be the terrorists. Gotta be them this time." Angela Miller was ever the optimist in these situations, one could tell.

"Yeah , but public health hauled ass here in no time flat. Everyone is all jittery, like they're trying to hide something. Think the president knows anything?" "Hell yes, but I don't know what. They're sending some kind of special agent out here to handle this mess. Ask him when he gets here what the hell is going on."

"You can ask all you like, but honestly, I can't tell you anything, it's classified. And if you do, I have to kill you." The two SRT soldiers turned towards the voice, which belonged to our manly, somber, all-too familiar hero.

"Leon S. Kennedy, special agent." Leon said, but added in his thoughts "You can call me studmuffin." The tall hunky brunette blinked, momentarily stunned into silence. The woman in front of him was the most gorgeous one that he had ever seen. Ashley? She was just a schoolgirl. Ada? Ada who? Screw her. She was a good kisser but preferred men like that douchebag Wesker. Her loss. Could this be kismet?

Angela sized up the leather clad man in front of her. Nice teeth, dorky haircut, all the charm of a first year FBI trainee. And yet, there was something. The fire smoldering behind his eyes, the come-hither- thou-and-fuck-me-until-I-am brainless look. Not to mention the fact he knew how to show off his assets. The man clearly had a package, woof! And it was marked "special delivery." "Then...you're...the one?" Angela said, feigning disdain but secretly liking what she saw. "Angela Miller" she said, extending her hand .

She proceeded to play the 911 call for Leon. The voice of the woman sounded eerily familiar; but Leon couldn't recall just where he had heard a voice like that before. Something about the way she said "those things" made Leon want to get the job done in a hurry.

Leon fought to conceal his growing excitement. Her name! It **did** start with A! **She** wouldn't be like the other two! It was fate! If they could survive the rescue operation, maybe he'd take her diving with him someday. He'd always had a secret fetish for a woman in spandex and flippers, with wet hair all tousled, and.... "Hey there, flyboy, wake up!" Angela snapped, "We need to get this show on the road." "Sorry, I was just thinking about the best point of entry." Leon replied as he fought to keep the blush from showing on his cheeks. "By the way, it's just the three of us that are going in. I don't want to risk any more infections. You might be forced to shoot your friends." Leon added, casting a slight glance in Greg's direction as he left the tent. "What the fuck?" Greg snarled, "He ain't like no sort of FBI man I done ever seen." "Quiet, you!," Angela retorted, "He's a special agent assigned to this mission. Let's just... see what he can do."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Not Zombie Jamboree**

In the helicopter en route to the roof of the VIP lounge, Leon briefed Angela and Greg as to what to expect. "First of all, what we are dealing with are not to be referred to as "zombies" as the government has created a rule whereby all special agents now use only politically correct language. Henceforth, the dead in this case shall now be referred to as "not zombies". I don't like it, but rules are rules. When dealing with these unfortunate souls, there is one, and I repeat, only **one** way to stop them. You've gotta shoot them in the head. So I hope the two of you know how to aim.

Secondly, in every single case the infected go berserk themselves and proceed to attack anything, and I mean **anything** that moves and is in possession of an uneaten brain. Humans, animals, cockroaches- if it looks like it is even remotely capable of stringing two words together it's chow time. Remember that." Angela and Greg looked around the interior of the chopper uneasily, and then at each other. What kind of unholy mess had they gotten themselves into?

The remainder of the flight was uneventful because it took less than five minutes. The trio shimmied down a set of ropes and landed on their feet on the rooftop above the VIP lounge. Leon deftly prepared his manly weapon for use in the battles to come. If he got lucky Greg (or grunt-man as Leon had begun to think of him) would be eaten by the not zombies, which would give him time alone with Angela. The way she looked in that tight spandex military gear was not helping to soothe his libido.

As the trio made their way down the dimly lit hallway they could hear strange sounds and faint moans over the air that flowed through the ductwork. "The song of the infected." Leon muttered, as they reached a bend in the corridor. As they reached the edge of offices near the VIP lounge area, Angela insisted they pause. "Shouldn't we be looking for other survivors? The caller did say there were four including the senator, but others could be trapped."

As she entered the interior office, Angela could see a man lying face down on the floor. He was dressed in a typical business suit. His face was obscured from view and he let out a soft moan as Angela went to help him stand. Without warning the man snapped his teeth in a bid to sink them into her neck! "What the hell?!" Angela cried as she hurled the peckish not zombie to the floor. Leon pulled her back gently with one arm. "Angela, " he said softly, "Look."

All around them, what remained of the office staff were returning to not life. They could smell the aroma of three uninfected brains, and there were at least twelve of them. What they didn't count on was Leon S. Kennedy being the owner of one of those brains. Leon shot nearest zombie in the head easily, then turned his handgun on the stumbling animated corpses within close range. "Stop, or I'll shoot!" he heard Angela pointlessly blather.

The female not zombie in the green suit surprised Angela with her grace and aggressive tenacity. It took her a minute to realize who she was. Katherine Chancellor! What a pity! After months of being amnesiac and thought dead in a car crash, and then fighting to prove who she was and regain all she had lost- only to end up like this! The first bullet struck her in the foot because Angela couldn't bear to blow the head off of the duchess of Genoa City Wisconsin. What the hell she was doing in an airport office anyway?! Nothing about today was making **any** sense!

"Unnnnn...aaaaiiiiiiiiiii!" not Katherine garbled as she writhed on the floor. Infected blood was now staining the carpet. Angela could only stare as the corpse yet again attempted to stand. "Angela!" Greg spouted as he frantically made gestures with his arm. Behind not Katherine a veritable sea of not office zombies were preparing to surge into action.

Greg opened fire and let the gat hum! Lick A Shot! Ow! "You want some of this?!" Greg snarled as he sprayed the room with bullets. Leon, who was trying not to face-palm, gripped him tightly by one shoulder. "Greg, enough." The overeager man yanked himself away and screamed a battle cry as he reopened fire. Leon could count the mounting damages and explanations with every bullet fired. This was starting to look like a bad day....err..night.

"Enough! Stop!" Leon shouted. "Get Off!" Greg responded as he shot the overhead light fixtures into oblivion. "Freaks!" Greg spat as he turned on his heels to exit the area. "Yeah! Wooooo!" he bellowed.

Leon just stood there watching the display. That was the difference between special agents and grunts. Leon did not envy him. At that moment, not Katherine hurled herself through the plate glass partition and landed squarely on top of Greg, causing him to crash to the floor! "Ngah! Naaaammarrrge!" not Katherine gurgled, as she struggled to sink her teeth into his throat! After an awful struggle during which not Katherine managed to spit putrefying blood into his face, Greg finally managed to break her neck.

He sat up, crawled away from the woman and cried out "What the hell, man?!" As he frantically wiped the disgusting fluid from his eyes. "I shot her at point blank, there's no way I could have missed her! FUCK!" "I told you, the only way to stop 'em is _to shoot them in the head._ What part of that memo did you fail to understand? You've wasted precious time here, and more importantly, ammunition. Which, considering the present economic downturn, means that a soldier in Iraq will now have fewer bullets to use. Think about that for a while." Leon had always been good at piling on the guilt.

The not zombies, who had been standing by, silently observing all of this speech until now, decided that Greg was the most likely brain they could take down first. And they now began to stumble as best they could through the broken door and out into the hallway. "Ngggurreeoooeeooo".


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Break Like The Windbag**

"If you hadn't mentioned me, they would have just ignored your call." senator Davis remarked smugly.

"You might want to stick your ego up your ass," Claire retorted , "Seeing as how your own secretary left you here to die!". Senator Davis glowered and remained silent. Their mutual scathing repartee was interrupted by the happy screams of a distant soldier as he made not zombies into chutney.

"What was that!? " Rani exclaimed with alarm. "Someone who's not infected. I have to try and help.

Is there anything around here that I can use for a weapon?!" Claire glanced around the room, noting that little came into view. Then, by chance, she noticed an umbrella stand.

"Claire, you can't leave!" Rani sobbed. "Daddy said he was going to help mommy and he never came back. And neither did she! And if **you leave**, you won't come back either!" "It's all right, Rani. It's o.k.. I am gonna come back, I promise. " Claire hugged the little girl and then went to check the area for a weapon.

There was something witheringly ironic about an umbrella being her only choice. A red and white umbrella at that."Christ," Claire thought "Who the hell did I manage to piss off this time?" and left it at that. As she heard the lounge door click shut and the door lock behind her, Claire steeled herself in preparation for walking down the hall. She had escaped dozens of these things back in Raccoon City. It was all she could do to hope that whoever had managed this didn't also have a few tyrants or god forbid another Nemesis walking around. An umbrella in that sort of situation would be utterly useless.

"Is there anyone there?" Claire called out as she cat footed slowly down the corridor. Her umbrella remained at the ready, but there was no answer. She broke into a jog and then paused to wait just outside the doorway where the noise possibly had come from. And then she was blinded by a light and the soft click of metal. She heard an audible grunt behind her, and a familiar male voice said "Get down!".

Leon shot the not zombie interlopers with ease, the bullets sounding more like bolts from a slingshot than actual bullets. Claire looked up at him in surprise. "Leon!" she exclaimed, "What are you doing here?" "I could ask you the same thing." Leon said. "You're the one....." her voice trailed off as the secretary to Senator Davis stepped into the light. The glowing blush on his cheeks said it all. "I'll just bet he's called Smithers." Claire thought.

The Senator was not impressed. "You're **it**? No re-enforcements?! " he said. "Sorry sir. The government has rerouted all priority funding to the Iraq War, so they've had to cut back the use of special personnel. It's either us or every man for himself." "May I hope they sent you in with at least some form of a plan?!" Leon very much wanted to strangle the senator at that moment, but the thought of being stuck forever fighting not zombies kept him from doing it.

"We're going to run across the lobby, and out of here." "Are you insane?!" Senator Davis cried. "Look, it's the widest area and the fastest way. The long way around guarantees a lot of fighting in tight, confined spaces. The risk of infection or fatality is much too high, and besides we're on a budget." Leon was becoming annoyed. "He's right," Claire interjected " they are pretty slow, we can just run by them." "And just how would you know that?! " said the senator. Leon cut Claire off as she started to speak. "Because she's one of the few survivors of Raccoon City, that's why. She has plenty of experience with this sort of hellish predicament."

The group slowly made their way through the not zombie gauntlet. Leon displayed his flair for marksmanship, taking down walking corpses left and right with single shots to the head. Greg, who was in charge of carrying the senator, opted to spray the enemy with bullets in order to gain as much time and distance as he could. After turning the senator over to Leon, Greg was besieged by a group and went down screaming after one bit a chunk out of his arm. They could hear the report of his machine gun and his laughing like a maniac as they tore towards the exit. Angela left the darkness behind screaming his name.

After a couple tense minutes involving Claire, Rani , more not zombies and her expert use of his manly weapon, Leon had to wonder how Claire managed to get herself into these situations. Children seemed to always be part of the equation, but somehow it didn't quite add up. When he subtracted what feelings he did have, he was left divided. But there was no time to think about that now, someone else would have to do the math.

"It's all right, I'm over here!" Senator Davis shouted as he raised his arms above his head. As the soldiers stood down the remaining members of the surviving group stepped out into the light. As military personnel rushed past them into the building, medical personnel stepped forward to officially lead them to quarantine. The long dark night had only just begun.

Rani had a brief, tearful reunion with her aunt through the fence that separated the group from main ground operations. When Senator Davis thought to make yet another tactless remark, Claire slapped him in the face! " That little girl will probably be having nightmares for the rest of her life thanks to you!" she spat out before turning away and stalking off. Later, Claire would question herself as to why she hadn't simply kneed him in the groin instead.

Angela stood mute, her fists clenched. She clenched her teeth as the echoing reports from the combat inside the airport increased. Leon looked wistfully in her direction. She was so strong, and beautiful...didn't she see how deeply he wanted her? He thought for sure they had made a connection inside the tent. He would just have to be patient. Their time would come, and then, hopefully, so would he.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Of Hippies, Hassles, and Hunnigan**

"I'll take care of it, no problem." said the unshaven, long haired young man as he glanced out the window at the quiet landscape that had been his back yard. "I have no intention of letting Willpharma end up look like a savior." The call had left him feeling empty, but also angry and determined. Now Curtis Miller sat alone. In the dark. In his house. He turned the last photograph towards the wall, stood up, and splashed the last of the kerosene on the chair. For a fleeting moment, he was prompted to think of Sephiroth burning Nibelheim to make the Shinra bastards pay. True, he wasn't Sephiroth, but there was, perhaps, some moral goodness, he felt,in the act he was about to perform. "Forgive me Angela." he murmured. He dropped a lighted match and stepped out the door.

Back at the airport, Claire Redfield had just stepped outside one of the khaki tents. She observed a group of Willpharma trucks as they whizzed by the fence surrounding the compound. "Ooooooookay," she thought, "what's up with that?. Behind another tent a few hundred yards away, Leon was busy communicating with Hunnigan, the direct link to his superiors, via cellphone.

"Once the president heard it was the "T" virus he pushed action though in a special emergency act. You know as well as I do it's all about re-election." " Thankfully Willpharma was able to comply and every marine was vaccinated before heading into combat." Hunnigan said. "Have the terrorists made any demands?" Leon asked. "Not yet, but the FBI did manage to detain an operative for General Grande in Los Angeles. I had just hung up from speaking with them when you called. Hopefully they'll be able to get information out of him within the next twenty minutes or so. With all the latest water-boarding techniques at our disposal, he doesn't stand a chance." "That's why I love you, Hunnigan. You're always on the right side. Maybe we'll find a few of those missing Umbrella Corporation nazis as well." Leon hung up and thought about how glad he would be to finally get out of this outfit. Turning people into not zombies was one thing; torturing quite another.

"What the hell is going on?! Why are Willpharma drugs being brought here!? Claire demanded of the orderlies wearing crisp blue surgical smocks. "It's the vaccine." Frederique Downing said as he suddenly stepped out from behind a tent. "You!" Claire exclaimed with surprise, "What are you doing here?" "He's WillPharmas head researcher!" stated Senator Davis as he stepped out from behind Frederique. "He's responsible for creating a vaccine against the virus that you claim to be so familiar with." "It's true, Claire." said Leon, walking up from out of nowhere. "You knew about this?" Claire said. " Yes," Leon replied. I had no idea the use of it could be sanctioned so quickly."

"So Willpharma **isn't **responsible for the incidents that occurred in India?" " Nope. it was the work of terrorists who managed to get their hands on black market samples of the T virus somehow. All the ops who were involved were working for Grande were infected, so we have no details. Working with the Indian governments, inoculations were provided to the surrounding areas of that affected by the T virus."

"Wait..there was a vaccine?!" Angela grasped Leon by his collar. "Are you telling me that Greg died because...If we had been inoculated before entering the terminal then Greg would still be...." "Actually, it's not his fault, it's TerraSaves fault. If they hadn't backed us into a corner, the order to distribute the vaccine would have come well before this incident occurred. Many lives that ended today would have been saved." Frederique said.

Later, as she sat dejectedly in another tent and ran things over in her mind, Leon attempted to comfort her. "It's not your fault, it's the ones who made the virus who are at fault. And I'm going to scrub them off the face of the earth as well as the virus. You just watch. You chose a path to try and save people. You weren't wrong. Your brother and I may not always seem to be on the same side as you are because we are soldiers. Trust me, we are."

Claire was just about to say "Gee, thanks for patronizing me!" when a terrific explosion rocked the area outside! Angela, who had been eavesdropping on their conversation just outside the tent, made like she had just run past in response to the explosion. The three raced toward the area, which was entirely engulfed in flames. Soldiers frantically worked with extinguishers to control the blaze, which had destroyed every single truck, and also all of the un-administered vaccine.

"What the hell is this all about!" Senator Davis demanded as he observed the burning wreckage. "Where is the development data?" Leon asked Frederique. "You think the terrorists are after that too?" he said. "Why don't you just tell us what it is they want? They must have made demands. If you're not willing to talk I'll just ask the president myself! " Senator Davis was reaching for his cell phone, when Leon raised his palm.

"The truth, gentlemen. They want the truth. And the engineered biological weapon data, along with the viruses from which they were derived. We're not talking something like anthrax here, and you know it.

We're talking about a highly aggressive parasitical mutation strain that was developed in a laboratory. They also demand exposure of all the people in government who were responsible for allowing its manufacture."

"Is the government really involved?" Angela said. Leon nodded. " Raccoon City was totally destroyed. A great deal of evidence, both written or otherwise, was lost in the conflagration following impact of the implement of governmental sanitation policy." Leon raised his hand again. "I know, I know. We agents aren't allowed to use the phrase "weapons of mass destruction" when referring to our side. If you ask me those two bombs we dropped on Japan epitomize that phrase, but again, rules are rules." Leon could feel the bile beginning to churn. He hoped he wouldn't have to eat another roll of tums. The taste of them on his lips really seemed to turn women off.

"That didn't happen, we weren't there to begin with! They can't prove anything, it was totally consensual!" Everybody looked at the senator like he had just lost his mind. "Tell that to the terrorists. As far as we're concerned, they're the ones who are calling the shots right now." Leon replied. " Pardon me, " Claire interjected "But I 'm more concerned with what happens if they **don't** get what they want. Has anyone been dealing with **that**?!". That's what Leon realized he also just loved about Claire. She always managed to get everyone back on the destruction track.

"They plan to release the T virus in every major city at midnight, and, since it's dark outside, I guess that gives us just four more hours to solve this mystery!." Leon said bluntly. "And there's no vaccine left! Whatever shall we do?!" Senator Davis cried. "Do we even know who these people are?" Frederique asked. "I have an idea who one of them might be." Claire said. "Right after the first not zombies appeared in the airport terminal, I ran into a hippie in the lobby. He was wearing a name tag for the conference that said my name is Curtis Miller on it. He also had long unwashed hair and was wearing sandals and an ugly anorak. It had to be him. Nobody at that sort of conference wears such shabby clothing."

"I know him!," the senator eagerly explained. "He's one of those liberal tree-hugging bleeding hearts that was demonstrating against the Air Bubble Research Facility being built!" "That can't be!" Angela gasped faintly. The group, as one, stared at her. "Curtis Miller is....my older brother!".


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Teacups and Terrordomes**

Two minutes later Angela could be seen loading and gathering as much military hardware as she could carry. Senator Davis was absolutely infuriating! She would **prove** to that ridiculous windbag that her brother was incapable of such things. As she turned to lock the back of the munitions truck, she could see Leon Kennedy standing in the dim light underneath a lamp post. Angela bit her upper lip. Did he know how gorgeous he looked in the half light with the wind blowing through his hair?

Alas, there was no time for that now. She had to retrieve her missing brother. "You're sure packing a lot of hardware. Mind if I come along?" Leon said gently. Angela did not respond, she just slammed the truck door shut. Five minutes later the truck could be seen whizzing along the road towards the highway, Angela at the wheel, Leon in the passenger seat.

Claire paused as she saw Frederique open the door to his car. "Where are you going?" she said. "I'm going back to the office and check the security of the development data." Frederique replied. " Can I help you with something? Anything? Senator Windba..I mean Davis is really starting to grate on my nerves. Don't worry. My days of infiltration of corporations filled with scheming scientists are long over. I promise that I won't steal any company secrets." I'm afraid, then, that the only thing you **can** do is to join me in my office for a spot of afternoon tea. Would you like that?" the suave briton replied. As the sports care containing Frederique and Claire rolled out of the parking lot, Senator Davis watched them go. "Hmmmph." he said, shaking his head and walking back to the row of tents.

Angela remained silent as the miles peeled by. She gasped as they reached the turnoff to her brothers house. A large crimson dot could be seen licking the hillside, and it was growing with every second!

They were too late. The house was entirely engulfed by flames! A charred photograph blew towards Angela, who had fallen to her knees. It landed in front of her on the grass. " I haven't heard anything from Curtis in three years. Not since he lost his wife and child in that horrible tragedy. Leon touched her gently on the shoulder, then sat next to her on the grass as she cried into his shirt. He was getting closer......

Back at the Air Bubble Research Facility, Frederique and Claire arrived at the main security gate. Oddly enough, his entry card wouldn't work. When it was spit back from the slot with a big red X blotting out his picture, Frederique swore. "Goddamn piece of cheap generic computer shit!" he snarled, "Now I have to use the bloody mainframe coded password." He wrenched open the sliding metal cover and quickly punched in a sequence of 15 numbers in rapid succession, which Claire managed to commit to memory. The fact that his card had failed to register escaped her completely. Surprising, since she had survived the nightmare of Raccoon City. You'd think she'd notice that sort of thing.

But no. In another two minutes the two had exited the car and were making their way into the facility.

Claire had to admit, the place far exceeded her expectations. The building was centered around a garden courtyard pillar system. It was divided into numbered sections. The higher the number, the more dangerous the levels of bacterium and so on, and the tighter the security. Level zero, where the two of them were headed, contained offices, sterile labs and the like.

As the two of them overlooked the twinkling distant lights of Harvardville, Angela made a declaration.

"I'm going to stop Curtis." she said as she and Leon exchanged smoldering glances. "Damn," thought Leon as the signal for his cell phone went off. "Another moment of possibility ruined." Angela said nothing, but inside she seethed at their being interrupted by Claire, that **girl** from TerraSave.

"Leon, get your ass the hell over here right now!." Claire said. "They've got the G virus locked up in the basement and it's dying to get out, I bet. He say they were going to make a vaccine with it too, but I bet that's a load of horse hockey". "Where's Frederique?" "He's not here. He said something about the server crashing, which is pretty lame now that I think about it." "He probably went to dump the virus." Claire found herself nodding into the phone. At that very second the telephone on the desk began to ring. "Hold on Leon," Claire said " A call is coming into the office."

A breathless Frederique was on the house party line. "Frederique! Where the hell **are** you?" Claire demanded. " I...aaaah, I'm...ah...on level 4." "What on earth are you doing there instead of the server room?!" she cried in annoyance. " Oh...I followed a strange man that I saw...mmm..something big is coming..." "What!?" Claire almost screamed into the phone. "There's a bomb, sweetie. It's going to go off, and it's too late for me....I mean you...to stop it now.....oh...." Frederique was cut off as a loud buzzing noise came from the garden courtyard below. Claire has just enough time to see the hippie from the airport walking away when he world was rocked by noise and everything went black.

"What's going on?" Angela asked, reluctantly. "I don't know, we got cut off. It sounded like and explosion. We'd better haul ass out there. " Leon began to dial his phone. They would probably need backup. Which he hoped wouldn't include another missile or the atomic bomb. At least not until after he managed to get laid.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Carnage and Kisses**

As Claire gradually returned to being conscious, she heard the drone of a familiar female voice. No, it couldn't be, but it was. It was the same female voice that she had heard making some of the evacuation announcements just prior to her and Leon escaping the underground laboratory in Raccoon City. "Attention all personnel! A System error has occurred. Terminate all activities immediately and evacuate the dome until safe conditions are reestablished and verified."

Worse still, a piece of glass shrapnel had become lodged in her leg during the explosion! As she slowly sat up Claire became aware of the fact that over half the floors of the offices all around had been blown away. Papers of all kinds rained down through the air like streamers in a ticker tape parade. As Claire wrenched the glass from her lower calf, she hoped there weren't any lickers around. Those damn things would be a really big hassle without a grenade launcher, or at least a shotgun. Then she realized about the security card. Damn It, why did she always miss the clues?!

The electric announcer was still droning the evacuation message when Angela and Leon arrived on the scene. "Angela," Leon said "You're not alone. We're together in this." "I know." she replied as they exchanged yet another set of smoldering glances. "Damn, " Leon thought as she trotted off toward the other corridor, "She's hot even when she's working." He turned to make his way around the other side of the building.

Leon surprised Claire at the end of the darkened hallway. The only light came from the sparks of electrical lines that had been jarred loose in the explosion. Her leg was injured and she carried part of a coat rack for a weapon. " Where's Frederique?" Leon asked as he helped administer first aid to her leg.

"He was babbling something about a time bomb. He sounded really strange." Claire, we need to get you out of here. You're hurt." "Listen to me, Leon! Curtis was here! He came out of a door in the garden below just before the explosion! He came out of level 4 where the G virus is...**was** being kept!"

By now, Angela had managed to reach the inner courtyard, or what was left of it. Despite being full or twisted metal and other junk, the space was surprisingly easy to transverse. Someone had managed to lay a wooden boardwalk in between the wreckage that was surprisingly free of human bodies. Something was amiss. Events like this almost always resulted in human bodies. She proceeded with caution. She had to find her brother.

She almost tripped over something lying on the floor. It was an inoculation gun! What on earth was it doing here?! At the sound of ragged human breathing, she looked up. Her brother stood, head down, only a few yards away. "Curtis!" she cried. "Angela." he replied, looking away. As Angel cocked her assault rifle, her brother fell to his knees. Angela dropped the gun and went to his side.

"Curtis, you need help. We've got to get you some medical attention. Why did you do this?" she asked, cradling her brothers face in between her palms. " I can't....forgive them for covering up Raccoon City. I will **not** let the government whitewash the truth. The billions they wasted on all this could have helped the homeless and the starving here at home. We could be closer to cures for many diseases or a decent health system for everyone. I couldn't risk another Raccoon City.

That's why he....left me. I'm sorry, Angela, nothing can stop it now." His upper torso began to writhe, enlarge and mutate. Angela stepped away in horror. "In a moment I shall reveal the pertinent truth, in my own peculiar manner!" Within moments Curtis Miller had transformed into a monstrosity similar to that of William Birkin in Resident Evil 2. And yet his clothing somehow managed to grow and change with him, covering his naughty bits. Do not ask why this is so. Even George Romero doesn't know. Angela stared at him and also at the 15 special ops soldiers who had since entered the courtyard. They were now standing, arms at the ready. And in a monster killing attack mode. "Raaaaaaaagh!" the Curmonster expectorated, as he caught sight of them all!

In the meantime, Leon had helped Claire ward off seas of not zombies in order to get her to the corridor that would take her to elevator AD2, which would clearly lead her to safety. After giving her a fully loaded .22 automatic, he watched her safely hobble down the hallway. "Claire," he said before departing "Try not to get killed." "O.k. ditto." she said as the elevator door shut. Leon turned on his heels and ran to find Angela. Delays, Delays!

The soldiers opened fire, tightening the semicircle as they moved, as one, towards the man-thing in front of them. Angela screamed as her brother was massively riddled with bullets! She could see him bringing the huge clawed appendages that used to be his arms up in front of his face. He roared in pain.

In a room full of monitors somewhere inside the building, machines whirred and software hummed. Every moment of this event, to the last detail, was being recorded.

"Cease Fire!" the sargeant ordered. The soldiers stood, blinking, in the dim light. "The target became aggressive and resisted capture." he said, stating the obvious. He was discussing the termination when the man- thing separated his head from his shoulder blades. So much for shooting the shit. As the curmonster moved towards the remaining soldiers the last of his clothes and most of his humanity fell away. It was time to show WillPharma the meaning of Boss.

For the next few minutes chaos reigned supreme as the soldiers were made into chutney in various horrifying ways. Bullets seemed to have no effect on the monster, who alternately roared and laughed like a...well, you know, a monster ...as he rampaged. Imagine yourself in that situation. If everything on the green earth was trying to kill you except for your sister, would you just lie down and take it like a lamb? I thought not.

The Curmonster batted away shells like they were flies. This was **fun! **Until he batted one up into the catwalks above, and they came crashing down. Which just goes to prove that it's always fun until someone gets hurt. Kids, don't try this at home. Angela raced to the wreckage, convinced that her brother was a goner for sure!

"Damn it," she thought, as the muted sound of machine guns filled her ears. "And I was so close to getting him into the crushing grip of reason too..." The she realized that her bromonster must be dazed, because he was just standing there like an idiot as the bullets bounced off his hide. He began to move slowly in her general direction.

"Angela!" Leon shouted as he came up behind her. "Get clear!". He raised his trusty advanced manly weapon, and fired. The shell struck the upper part of a pillar infrastructure, causing more catwalks to come crashing down. Leon and Angela dashed for safety with the curmonster in hot pursuit! The two were thrown violently down on the edge of the boardwalk. The monster was nowhere to be seen.

The few remaining soldiers straggled to what seemed to be the highest ground. As they were doing this, the sprinkler system began to discharge a liquid. Yet another robotic voice informed them that the courtyard was now being decontaminated. It then commenced, in Umbrella lab tones, to inform them that they had five minutes left before incineration would commence.

"All survivors to the central rest area, NOW! MOVE IT!" Leon shouted. Everyone turned, as one, and began racing to the elevator as quickly as possible. Somehow, despite having glass sides and being connected to the damaged part of the courtyard electronic system, it was undamaged and fully operational! No one dared question Leon's au-tho-ri-tay, as they all wanted to live. As a large mutating foot poked itself through the boardwalk, and began to grow.

Of course there was no room on the elevator for Angela and Leon. "We'll send it back!" a soldier said lamely as the doors slid closed. "Huuunnhhhh...Guuuuuuuuuh!" The second mutation of the curmonster burst through the floorboards as Leon and Angela aimed their weapons. "Stop!" Leon realized "You'll ignite us all!" As Angela was about to fire. The monster wasted no time. It leaped to the remaining catwalks in pursuit of the elevator! The next two minutes of violence have been lost to posterity, but rest assured, the remaining soldiers met a vile, grisly end.

Then the central pillar, deciding that it couldn't handle the weight of the encroaching monster any longer, decided to collapse. As they raced for safety for the third time, Leon and Angela were forced to dodge large shards of falling glass, electrical wires, and shrapnel. As the monster drew near to Angela once more and ogled her with an eye that bulged from one forearm, Leon hurled his combat knife. It struck with expert precision. The curmonster let out a roar of pain that sounded like a cross between rage and a little boy who had just been kicked.

"It wants your blood, Angela. To it you're just a breeding tool. Forget him." The monster yanked the knife from its eye. "C'mon, let's get the hell out of here!" With 20 seconds left, and for the fourth time, our heroes sprinted for the exit. They lept as one into the air, hoping to still be alive somehow after they rolled. The monster was about to grab them and......KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOM! The force of the incinerating blast blew the hell out of everything around them.

Leon and Angela fell together, and felt the cold shock as they were totally immersed in water! Angela was brought to her senses by a pair of lips kissing her, lending her air. Angela kissed Leon back, knowing that if she were to drown, it might as well be like this.

Claire **wasn't** in the clear. She was up in the monitor room, trying to stop the video machines and help Leon and Angela at the same time. "Shit!" Claire swore as the monitors showed various parts of the building being made into smithereens. "I pushed the _wrong button!_ AGAIN!". She turned to the nearest keypad and began typing frantically.

Leon fired his manly weapon. It worked, despite being totally waterlogged. He and Angela tumbled out onto the floor in a sea of water and shards of glass. They were swept hand in hand, down a duct, after which they found themselves clinging precariously to a catwalk at edge of a vast hollow chamber which seemed to descend for miles. Not good. The reason that it was not good was because the curmonster had somehow survived the blast and was there as well!

"No! No nooooo! " Angela bleated. Up in the monitor room, all kinds of bells and whistles were going off. "Shit goddamn HELL FUCK! " Claire screamed as she pounded everything she could, "Why won't any of this shit shut DOWN?!" Then she thought "I know what Leon would do." And began jamming on every button in sight. It was so hard to think for oneself in these situations. After all, she was only a supporting character and therefore expendable. After all this was over, she decided, she was going to have a long talk with her agent.

With only 16 minutes to go until the end of this story, Claire managed, by fluke, to de-pressure the submersion system, thereby saving the sorry asses of Leon and Angela. But they had to do a lot of running, jumping, falling and rolling. As the monster had her cornered, the charred photograph she found back at the house fell at Angela's feet. It was miraculously intact and not waterlogged in the slightest way. The monster picked it up and examined it with it's remaining critical eye, and then it began to cry!

"Boo hoo hoo," the monster sobbed, "I don't want to hurt you, Angela!". "Well , you should have thought of that before you got yourself injected with the G virus sample, dumb ass!" snapped Angela. The monster that was still technically her brother began to bawl big roaring sobs. " Oh for heaven's sake, pull yourself together, Curtis. It's too late now. You should have died when you had the chance. It's all the goddamn terrorists fault anyway."

Leon could see why there was so much tension in the relationship between the two of them. He loved a woman who took no shit. As the monster fell away from her as the floor collapsed, he grasped her in a tight embrace, even as a tentacle grasped Angela by the foot! "Nice Balrog impersonation there." muttered Claire up in the monitor room as she tried to figure out how to get them out of **this** one.

The two hung from the precarious edge, with the curmonster gurgling and snapping below.

"Let go of me!" Angela cried to Leon. "You're the hero! You can't die! You have to destroy these viruses!" "If you don't try to save one life, you'll never save any, right Curtis?" said Leon as he drew his uber secret manly weapon from his pocket and fired a shell into the curmonster's brain. "RAAAAAAAAAAGGH!" cried the curmonster as he fell. "FOOSH!", suggested the flames that resulted from the impact as they began to climb the walls towards the hapless duo. Twelve minutes to go.

The catwalk shot upwards toward the ceiling. Claire must have found another button, because a moving floor cut the flames off before the two could be reached. After another high tension moment that involved falling , rolling, and Leon landing on top followed by Angela screaming, the climax of the adventure was finally reached. "Was it good for you too?" Angela asked as she came to. They were alive, and with 10 minutes to spare. And it was all thanks to Claire.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Conclusions**

As Claire hobbled towards the parking lot, she was surprised to see that a helicopter was landing a few hundred yards away. Senator David alighted, and walked to Claire. "Where's Frederique?" he demanded. "Dead, of course. The evidence was destroyed as well, I'm sure. Just like Raccoon City. I thought you had nothing to do with the terrorists, but it appears that I was wrong."

"Wait a minute! Yes, I admit it, we had a little fling, but that's over now. But do you really think that if I knew about the potential of his being involved with biological terrorists beforehand I wouldn't have dropped him like a hot rock? Ludicrous, I say!". The senator snorted. "And Willpharma will recover from the incident. What is the "T" virus anyway?! I've never heard about it before today." Claire miraculously refrained from rolling her eyes. Nobody never knew **anything** in any of these cases, from the Spencer Estate and Raccoon City on down. Total bullshit.

Claire was about to wither the senator with her best scathing repartee, when she was interrupted by Leon. "The general's man talked. It seems that all of us, including the senator, were fooled." Leon said.

"What are you **talking** about?!" Claire snapped, exasperated.

"BONG, BONG, BONG!" the Big Ben style clock in the background tolled morosely, as midnight struck. "FUCK, " Claire exclaimed, "we're screwed." She was suddenly prompted to think of Frederiques prolonged absence while she was ferreting through the porn on his laptop trying to find something that would lead to hard evidence. How the phone had rung and it was him, stating he was actually downstairs on level 4 instead of trying to defrag the internet connection. There was some sort of unexploded bomb that needed to be fixed and she needed to get out of there. Frederique certainly was breathing hard and she realized with a start that she had also heard some weird sounds. Humming, sucking noises.... that could only mean Curtis Miller must have been...oh my god! Claire felt like she was such an idiot. "It can't be...", she murmured absently. Meanwhile out in the darkness somewhere else........

"It's me, baby. What do you think?" Frederique purred into the receiver of his cell phone. "As of right now, you will be the sole owner of both the T virus and the T vaccine. And because you ordered before midnight tonight, I'm throwing in a free set of the Curtis Miller "data" tapes. It is rather a shame what happened as the man gave excellent head. However, once the virus entered his system he displayed truly exceptional potential far beyond average, so to speak." A delighted exclamation followed by static obscured response followed. "You'll have all the advantage you need, dealing with any country that doesn't want an outbreak on their hands." Frederique cooly lit a cigarette, glancing at the movie of Curtis, morphed into an abomination as he fought the soldiers. Such a waste, so virile, so young.....

"You don't need to worry," he continued, "I've anticipated everything down to the last detail. Including my own escape.." "Escape my ass!" came a female voice from behind him. Frederique realized that he was surrounded by Angela, Claire and Leon, and that they were all packing heat. "Don't shoot me!," the traitorous black market dealer shouted. "I can make you all rich. Very, very rich!" "Oh we're not going to KILL you," Angela said. We're just going to lock you in a room full of Willpharmas latest creations for a couple hundred years. No one will miss your sorry ass, you can bet on it."


	9. Chapter 9

**Epilogue**

The next morning, Angela stood on a sunny hillside overlooking the Air Bubble Research Facility. She was wearing a lovely polka dot dress. Leon and Claire were there too, and together they discussed past recent events. "Frederique confessed to everything. It turns out that he provided the virus to the terrorists in India, in addition to being sexually nefarious. He even had a thing going with General Grande **and** Senator Davis, but that's all over now. Turns out he was working for Umbrella, which is where he stole the viruses from. Somehow he managed to get out of Raccoon City like me and Claire.

Everything else was done for the pleasure of General Grande in order to ensure the sale. He was one sad, twisted little man."

"So my brother was just a tool, both to them and the rest of us." Angela murmured. "This doesn't absolve Curtis of what he did." said Claire. "Jeebus," Leon thought, "way to put a damper on my next big chance!" Angela felt like slapping Claire in the face, but she didn't. Instead, she turned to Leon. Sweet, wonderful Leon. Of course, his cell phone went off at just that moment. When would he learn to leave the damn thing at home or in the car?! For once, Leon took the initiative and shut off his cell phone.

"I'm sorry, Angela, I have to go." he said. "All right." Angela replied. "Catch you later." Leon said, with a complete and utter lack of enthusiasm. As he and Claire turned to go, Angela called out after them. "Leon! Let's go diving together...again...sometime." She said,which was totally lame. "Love to." Leon said, and then he and Claire walked away. "What did she mean by **diving**, Leon?" "None of your business." the special agent replied smugly. "Would you like a ride?" "No thanks. Rani's auntie is driving me back in her converted limousine." "We've got to stop meeting like this. How about we try for normal next time?" " I agree. This not zombie shit is really getting old. I'm thinking about getting a new agent." Claire opined. "Me too. This outfit really has put a burr under my saddle. Well, until next time, then."

As she watched the helicopter disappear in the distance, Claire hoped what had happened wouldn't all be for naught.....

THE END (finally)!


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